Denial

Whoever said that denial is a long river sure was right!

On Wednesday December 30th when my doctor told me she was admitting me to the hospital, I was naive, or optimistic, enough to think that I would be released from the hospital the very next day! Ha! (For those of you who didn't know, I had a bad asthma flare-up that was not getting better and my doctor admitted me to the hospital so that I could receive steroids intravenously.) Before you ask, I do not look like Arnold Schwarzenegger from the steroids, I should only be so lucky. Instead, I look like a big puffy faced girl! Boo! :(

On Thursday December 31 (yes, New Year's Eve, day 2 of my hospital stay, the day I was sure I'd be released) my doctor visited me and informed me that I would have to stay in the hospital at least until Saturday. "Crap...crap, crap, crap!", was my initial reaction. Then, I was naive, or optimistic, enough to think that when I was released from the hospital I would bounce back and be able to go back to work sometime the week of January 4-8. There was an inkling of concern in the back of my mind because my cough wasn't gone and my chest still hurt after all the drugs they were pumping into my system; but, I pretty much tried to ignore that. Healthy, huh?!?!

I ended up not getting released from the hospital until Sunday January 2. So, obviously, I spent New Year's Eve in the hospital and it did not suck as much as I thought it would. I guess that's a testament to how much I needed to be there, I don't know. I simply pretended...and, did not acknowledge, that it was New Year's Eve. I didn't watch the ball drop, I didn't watch the Black Eyed Peas perform or Dick Clark ring in the New Year. I simply went to bed...after making sure that the nurses weren't going to do some big count-down that I was going to have to ignore!

ANYWAY! Wow, I get off track a lot!

When I got released I had an appointment to see my doctor the following Wednesday.

Remember, I fully anticipated to "bounce-back." I fully anticipated to go home from the hospital and feel like a million bucks.

Denial. It's a long river.

Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, my first three days home from the hospital were not what I expected at all! What did I expect, you wonder. Well, I'll tell ya.

I expected to:
1) get good nights' sleep because I was at home. (That didn't happen until Thursday night!)
I didn't know that the cough medicine they gave me to sleep would cause me to have nightmares nor that I would wake up in hot flashes every 2 hours!

2) have energy. (Saying that I didn't have energy is an understatement, folks. I told Dave that I never, in all my life, ever, felt so tired, exhausted, without energy, etc AND I was still coughing and had a sore chest!)

3) Lose weight. (Whenever I get sick, I use that as my silver lining. Optimism or wacko? Lol, who knows. But, my lovely prednisone bloated me up so I looked all puffy. A girl can't win!)

4) Bounce back! I had a slow bounce back, I bounced back about as fast as a 20lb bowling ball rolls down the lane when someone like me throws it... which is not very fast!

Denial. It's a long river.

This is when I decided that I needed to get more educated on asthma, etc. because I did not understand why my expectations were not being met! My doctor referred me to a Pulmonologist (lung specialist) and he was so, So, SO helpful! Then, when I returned to work I had some great conversations with some of the nurses that I work with that helped me understand asthma, my medicines and my symptoms so much better! And, holy cow, what a difference knowledge makes!

And, looking back, it kind of makes me laugh about the denial that I was in about what was going on with my own body. I told people that I wasn't short of breath (before and during my hospital stay)...my mom, sister-in-law and husband beg to differ, though.

Denial.

It was not until I was on a new nebulizer (breathing treatment) medicine that I realized how much easier it was to talk than before!

Denial.

I am lucky and blessed. Let me repeat that, lucky and blessed, that I don't have some disease that is going to quickly or painfully end my life, which I've reminded myself of countless times. I'm also lucky and blessed that I have health insurance. Seriously. What a relief that is. So, really, I've had no reason to have any pity parties. But, I have! I've had some great pity parties for one in my head. Thank God for all that candy I got in my Christmas stockings! (But, the bloatedness was from the prednisone, not the candy!)

It's just different getting used to the idea that from here on out, at least for a little while, things are going to be a little bit different. I'll always be on an inhaler, no big deal; but, still, it's a change. And, it frustrates me a little bit because I consider myself to be strong and tough and I feel like my asthma problems weaken me and I don't like that!

After today, though, I pledge to post more...and not about me and my asthma! Hopefully, sometime in the near future, I will have a new camera so I can put some new pictures on here for you!

Also, when I was at home, I went through one of my cookbooks and picked four, yes that's right, FOUR, recipes that Dave and I, yes, DAVE AND I, are going to cook (cause y'all know I need the help!) and I'm sure, SURE, that will make for some funny stories!