Anger is a Mask for Pain

I've been wondering why lately, when I get angry or upset, I feel angrier than I've ever felt in my life.



In the past, when I would get upset about something, I would feel and go through the emotions that ensued and sure, that sucked sometimes; but, I think I was better off because of it.



For the past 6 or so months, though, when I have gotten upset about something I have felt angrier than I ever have in my life. Anger from the tips of my toenails all the way up through the roots of my hair. It is like the anger consumes me, all 70 trillion cells of my body are angry.



I don't like feeling that angry when certain situations happen.



When my parents separated and divorced I literally only cried three times. I don't know why.




I don't know if I was trying to be tough or what coping mechanism I was using.



Fast forward a few years and I started going to a wonderful psychologist, Rose.



Rose changed my life.




I love Rose.



My friend, Paula, is definitely a crier...I love her so much for that. Songs, commercials, movies, TV shows, jokes, you name it, can bring her to tears and I learned from her that it's OK to cry.




It's funny, though, because even as a child, with out any influence from either of my parents, I would get embarrassed when I cried. As a little girl, when I would get hurt, I would run to my room to cry privately. My mom, of course, being privy to that, would always seek me out and help me feel better.




I was talking to Rose once about crying around the same time I realized that Paula cried at movies a lot more than me and that is when she told me this phrase that I'll never forget as long as I live, unless of course I consume too much aspartame between now and then and when I am 78 I have crappy brain cells that prevent me from remembering my past!



Rose told me, "Anger is a mask for pain."



After that, I kind of let the flood gates open! Paula and I would sit side by side at movies like Armageddon and Ladder 49 and literally sob and sob!


Still, though, I prefer to cry privately.



So, I don't know what changed.

Movies still make me cry. But, the real life stuff, for some reason, stopped making me cry and all I felt was the anger.

Until last night. For whatever reason, I allowed the flood gates to open again.



I think anger is "easier" because it seems stronger or tougher, but more damage can be done from anger than from crying. Crying and sadness, that seems weaker. I don't feel as emotionally strong during or after crying. But, when you're crying, there's no need to fight and when you're angry, well, that's when the fighting happens.



I don't know what the point of this is. Just wanted to share.




One other thing that I think is, that when someone does open their floodgates in front of you, you better damn well be there for them. If not, I think that the damage you're doing, the message that you're sending, is irreparable.