I decided awhile ago, awhile ago being a few weeks, that I was not going to blog about my asthma. I concluded that people did not want to read about my aches and pains and complaints.
Unfortunately, my stupid asthma has become more of a part of my life than I ever thought it would be…and it’s wearing me down. Not in a dramatic, “I can’t go on like this anymore,” fashion, it’s simply just getting old.
My asthma presents itself in the form of a cough. A cough that I have gotten since the 5th grade. A cough that is very hard to control, meaning once I get said cough it takes an act of Congress to make it stop.
I used to just put up with my cough, it was no big deal. My friends and family (and I) have all dubbed it, “the seal cough,” seems fitting because the cough sounds like a seal bark. As an adolescent and young adult I truthfully admit that I did not do my best to ensure that I would not get my cough (what that means is that I did not do my seasonal inhalers like I was supposed to until the cough presented itself). As I got older (I hate the word older, by the way, there has GOT to be a better word than, OLDER) I began taking better care of myself to try and prevent getting my cough that never leaves! It mocks me, my cough, it is my Kryptonite. Boo.
I watched, for the last few years, my asthma get progressively worse. That’s what asthma does, I guess. It progresses.
Please don’t think that I am complaining. Every time I cough, or feel self pity; I remind myself that I am lucky. I am lucky that I am not dealing with Diabetes where I have to watch what I eat so closely that eating becomes a chore. I am lucky that I am not dealing with chemotherapy, radiation, or that I have a condition where I have to take 17+ pills a day. I am just venting. It’s what I do. I’m a feeler…and feelers vent!
I also feel like maybe, just maybe, someone who does have asthma could relate to this and that is comforting.
So, this winter I had experienced “asthma exacerbation,” and the kicker is, I did everything right! That is what is so frustrating! October 1st, I started my seasonal inhaler and I did it religiously, 2 times a day, every day. When I started to experience tightening in the chest (which was new to me, I’ve never had that, like I said, I used to only get a cough) I started my next inhaler and some over-the-counter drugs. I went to the doctor right away when those things did not work; she reassured me that I was doing everything right. She prescribed some new meds. After her visit, I did everything right (except maybe I should have started my oral steroid 1 day sooner, other than that, did everything right) and I got worse!
That is what I don’t like about asthma. One can seemingly do everything right…and still end up in the hospital, or still have to deal with a tight chest or cough.
Last night I had a coughing fit (that is where I cough and cannot stop) and Dave asked me what I needed. I told him that I just wish that I didn’t have to breathe!
See, asthma, for whatever reason, affects people on the exhale. So, you can inhale just fine, but heaven forbid you try to expel the air from your body! Heaven forbid you should want to talk, too! Talking creates a vibration, or shaking effect, on the respiratory system, which makes me cough every time that I try to speak! And, folks, I am a talker! You’ve seen how much I write…imagine how much I say! Now, you’re probably thinking, oh poor Dave, I bet she talks his ears off! How funny, Dave is probably relieved when I have my cough because he actually gets a break from hearing my voice! Ha! I’m just teasing!
If you are wondering what caused this rant, I’ll tell you. It’s because this week, out of the blue, I started coughing again and, just like in the past, it get’s worse before it gets better and it makes me feel like, Heaven forbid I should try and have a life!
My pulmonologist summed it up nicely. He said that with asthma, some days you will feel like you are on top of the world and some days you will feel like the world is on top of you.
The months leading up to me being admitted to the hospital were really, really busy. Every week-night and every weekend were jam packed with stuff that kept me busy. Granted, it was all plans that I did to myself. Most of it was fun stuff. But, I was so busy that my house, our new home, simply became a place for me to eat, sleep and shower. It was ridiculous how busy I was! And, poor Dave, I drug him around everywhere with me!
When I got released from the hospital, I retreated to the other end of the spectrum. I stayed home, relaxed, enjoyed being home, watched movies, hung out with Dave (all stuff that I was supposed to be doing) and even when I started going back to work, I was leery of making plans and doing things socially.
Slowly but surely, though, I created a nice balance between relaxing and hanging out at home and going out and having fun. I thought things were going great, I felt I was doing this balance thing perfectly! Then, this week, I started getting my cough. So, right away, I beefed up the medicine. The cough still progressed…so I beefed up the medicine some more and we’ll see if that helps or if I need to keep beefing up the medicine.
Last night, when I was coughing, Dave told me that maybe I have been doing too much, maybe I needed to make less plans and stay inside more. That frustrated me so much! Not at him, at the situation. Actually, it didn’t frustrate me, it devastated me. I can’t go out and have fun once or twice a week? Whatever, asthma! Hack-puh, I spit on me asthma! Stupid asthma! It frustrates me that I am only doing a quarter of the fun, social stuff that I used to do! Which is a nice balance for me but my freaking respiratory system needs to ‘step up’!
I am strong. I am a strong person. I am not weak. My asthma, though, sometimes makes me feel like I am becoming weak, susceptible, because sometimes I have to take it easy…and I don’t like always having to take it easy. I like to have the freedom to choose when I am going to take it easy and when I am going to do something. I do not like this asthma to dictate that.
Thank you for letting me vent and share my chronicles of asthma!
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